Mel from Freak Parade‘s post about her son shaving his butt with her razor prompted me to share that Boo has found every freaking hiding spot for my toothbrush.
Those are not hip with the happening thang. Boo likes to scrub his arse with my toothbrush. Everyone elses brushes are out on the counter in a lovely little ceramic pot that my grandfather made me. Mine? It is now…. wait… I’m not telling you. You might let it slip to Boo, cause you want my breath to smell like arse.
So these are the directions for a squeaky clean arse, according to Boo.
1. Make sure Mummy is really REALLY busy or is on the computer…
2. Enter bathroom and lock the door. QUIETLY. If Mum hears the door being locked she will come running.
3. Take a doona with you. Ensure it is one that has just been disinfected.
4. Take a freaking HUGE dump in the toilet. Ensuring to spray all sides of the toilet.
5. Unroll a couple of rolls of toilet paper. Chew up a few and throw on the roof (distraction tactics)
6. Finish doing the business and wipe arse on doona and towels and wall.
7. Bring out mums toothbrush that you found from its hiding spot.
8. With one leg resting on the side of the bath proceed to scrub arse.
9. When mum opens the door, look at her incredulously saying ‘whaaaaat??’
10. Then say ‘Oh Sorry’ like you don’t really mean it and continue with the arse scrubbing while Mummy races to the sink to scrub her mouth out and put toothbrushes on the emergency shopping list.
Kid is a bastard. An adorable, cuddly little spawn of the devil.
{ 15 comments }
THIS is the reason I never had kids!
I just knew there had to be a process behind the whole toothbrush cleaning arse thing, but hadn’t quite envisioned all those intricacies!! Looks like you need to keep a toothbrush at work and anywhere else you go reasonably regularly so you can clean your teeth without arse breath.
Kelley, you are one in a million.. Big hugs for you.. Maybe we should all buy you a toothbrush for christmas then you wont need the emergency shopping list, but then it may make them harder to hide them all from Boo if you got a big parcel of them.. Maybe we can all take turns by sending one a week for the next 52 weeks..
Lisa, I had a very similar thought. Kelley, I just want to go out and buy you like 100 toothbrushes so you NEVER have to wonder about this again…. *sob* If you lived closer – I’d look after your toothbrush for you…. wanna move????
Perhaps you could buy him a dedicated bum brush? Bigger and softer than a toothbrush? And then you could come back here and tell us that he is no longer using your toothbrushes to clean his heinie? So that I can go on living?
That would be awesome.
We could all send you a toothbrush and then you could just open a new one every day and KNOW that it is clean! If the package is open DO NOT USE ….
I suspect that DS6 cleans his bits and pieces with his brother’s toothbrush … ah, well, at least it isn’t mine
Thanks for making me spray my coffee all over my laptop! Aren’t kids great? Mine cleans her teeth with Daddy’s razor. You would think that would get his act into gear to build the bathroom cabinet I have been requesting. But no.
I love the idea of us all sending you a toothbrush or 3.
Thanks.. I should be doing some housework. But no I am here giggling and trying to think of good places to stash your toothbrush.
cheers kim.
Oh my oh my oh my … I feel squeamish just thinking about brushing my teeth now …
Oh dear! Dunno if you ever got the TV show “Seinfeld” there, but this reminds me a little of an episode in which he accidentally dropped his girlfriend’s toothbrush in the toilet and didn’t tell her…then couldn’t bring himself to kiss her ever again. ;^)
But seriously, and at the risk of sharing too much information, I once dated a guy who kept a washcloth in the bathroom at all times for “bum cleanliness.” If I ever used it inadvertently to wash my face, I’m sure I blocked the memory. ;^) Maybe, as Contrary said, your son needs a dedicated item for bum cleanliness? Or perhaps he’s, er, itchy? I realize you’re dealing with a whole different sort of logic in this situation, so forgive me if I’m coming off like I know a lot. I definitely don’t. *hugs*
He must have a bum like iron. Surely that’d hurt???
oh i am soo glad ds is anti brushing anything, he wont brush his hair or teeth and doesnt wipe his arse and this i know because i am the one who has to wash his underwear when i can convince him to peel them off long enough to be washed, so i am dead certain he doesnt use anything to scrub down there.
I will never complain again about him not cleaning his teeth, Kelley you have permission to kick me if i ever do!
And yes, get yourself a postal box and we will send you a years supply of toothbrushes, what sort do you like, hard, medium, soft, what colour preference and what type – thing with tongue cleaner or without etc etc.
I agree with trying boo with a dedicated bum brush, does he prefer the toothbrush just cause it is yours? do you use different types of toothpaste than the rest of the family, any reason why its yours, maybe its the colour?
Many Hugs Hun!
Oh man, how did I miss this?!?!
I’m totally up for sending you a toothbrush (or 20). Since my son is pretty much anti-hygiene, I’m fairly certain he isn’t scrubbing his bum with anything in my bathroom….nope, just shaving it, apparently.
I agree, just keep one hidden in your purse.
Perhaps if you took Boo shopping to select his own “personal use” brush? And like Bettina said, keep a toothbrush at work.Or you could keep a mini brush on a chain around your neck.
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