And now add mud to the mix. Mmmmm tasty.
I actually slept all night. I awoke this morning to the dulcet tones of my Boo singing. That could only mean one thing. He is up, alone…….
And shit and toothpaste.
I lumbered out of bed to survey the damage. Boo is no where to be seen.
The singing I heard was coming from his laptop, a cunning plan. Something he recorded earlier to mess with his mummy’s brain.
I stumble into the family room. ‘Taz wanted’ is playing at full volume on the PS2 and there are muddy footprints (or at least I HOPE it is mud) all over the floor.
Boo is outside on the swing. With the gate open. He is actually wearing pants, backwards, but clothed all the same.
I shut the gate and hope to God that the neighbours haven’t had an early morning call from my boy and no one has seen me in my oversized maternity nightie covered with smiling bears. Yeah, sexy huh?! But it is comfortable after 8 years of wear.
Back inside to assess the damage.
The pantry door is open. Food is strewn all over the floor and the teletubbies take pride of place where the sauces (now lined up in colour cordinated rows on the bench) used to live. The freezer door is open and there is a bucket full of water placed in the middle of the kitchen floor. A lone piece of chalk floating on the surface.
Every toy he has ever owned is carefully placed around the family room and the toy boxes are empty.
Salt and pepper has been ground into the grooves of my dining table.
The lounge looks relatively unharmed, but the Polish news is on and Buzz Lightyear is watching it.
The bathroom! Shit and Toothpaste Batman! I dash to the bathroom, my heart racing.
The sinks are full of water. There is a fecal mural on the wall. Every towel has been removed from the cupboard and strewn all over the floor.
But no toothpaste. That’s right, I hid it before I went to bed. Phew. Pity I can’t sew his arse shut.
He has found my razor. You know those cutesy girly ones with the moisturising soap strip that you sing along with Jewel while lovingly tending to your hairy bits? Yeah, well now it is naked. Hope the moisturising strip was tasty Boo, now I am gunna have to wear pants till I can get another one.
My hairbrush is snapped in half and there is toilet paper draped over the mirrors.
Will the horror never end?
I chuck some clothes on and go and check Boo outside. He is using various plates as Frisbees.
‘Play with me Mummy!’ he squeals, delighted to see me out of bed.
He is covered in mud. His innocent smile radiates under the smudges of mud all over his face (Please God let it be mud!) his pj top is splattered with what looks like tomato sauce. *sniff* yeah it’s sauce, not blood….
‘Play with me Mummy’ he repeats, handing me a plate, his huge brown eyes smiling up at me with affection.
‘Boo, Mummy needs a coffee first’ and some sort of medication.
‘OK, then we play frizbee’
I drag myself inside, head down so I don’t see the destruction waged by my tiny terrorist, make coffee and sit down to whinge at my computer.
Boo is outside again, digging in the mud. Remember last week when I was so excited about him actually touching the mud. Slap me will ya?
But at least I got a full night sleep.