Today I went shopping at the mecca of The Great Unwashed.

And I was in a bad mood.

A badder than usual mood, cause I am ALWAYS in a bad mofo mood when I have to spend my hard earned sitting on my arse pretending to work cash on mundane shit like dishwashing liquid and toothpaste and motherfucking TOILET PAPER.

The meeting yesterday went well, read I FUCKING ROCKED THAT SHIZZLE BIATCHES so thanks for all your vibing and sacrificing virgins, but it was a case of too fucking late and that cloud with gastroenteritis continues to sit just over my head, opening its bowel periodically to rain down on my in desperate need of a colour but still fucking awesome hair.

I can’t go into details. Maybe one day. Maybe not.

Remember – arsehole. *points at self and takes a bow*

So I dropped Boo at school, he was farting double rainbows with the excitement as today is Footy Day and Footy Day only means one thing. HOT DOGS FOR LUNCH!

Kid has been beside himself for weeks at the prospect. (for my international peeps, no school lunches here for Jamie Oliver to tut tut over.  It is packed lunches EVERY motherfucking day. We don’t even have a canteen. So Footy Day is like the fucking SUPERBOWL)

After dropping off my over excited boy, I jumped in the car to go and do some grocery shopping. At this point one of my eyes started leaking.

I thought it was from the wind – DAMN cold today – but the stupid freaking eye was leaking torrents of liquid and messing up my makeup.  So that coupled with being in a VERY BAD MOOD FOR FORTY YEARS (name that movie!) meant that I probably should have just gone home and turned on the TV and yelled at Oprah for an hour.

Try it.  It is very satisfying.

But I continued my mission. Because although I was able to brush my teeth this morning with the remnants of paste that was still on the brush, there is no way I will be able to pull that off tomorrow.

Oh and we were out of coffee.

I KNOW! OMG.

There were stupid fuckers on the road EVERYWHERE.

I ran a red light.

I stole someone’s park in the parking lot.

When people were in my way I just told them to move.  Normally I would be all passive aggressive on their arses, with the sighing and the staring.  But today I was all ‘GET OUT OF MY FUCKING WAY OR I WILL CUT YOU’ with my eyes and telling them to ‘MOVE’.

I told a woman to fuck off.

Another feral pushed my trolley to walk past when there was MORE THAN ENOUGH ROOM FOR HER BALLED UP TRACKSUITED ARSE to go the other way, and instead of muttering under my breath, I was all ‘Fuck, how fucking rude are you?’

When I was asked at the checkout if I wanted to support local schools get sporting equipment I was all ‘Nup’.

I didn’t even say thankyou when I got my latte.

Today I was THAT arshole.

And you know what? I feel WORSE now.

Fuck it.

PS – Oh yeah, I said I was going to post awesome shit that I found on the internet. I guess I lied. Cause I am an arsehole.

PPS – Actually I didn’t lie – per se – I just decided that you needed to hear about my arseholery first.

PPPS – Because, being an arsehole means that I decide what you get, when you get it and when I decide to let you have it. AND YOU WILL FUCKING LIKE IT.

PPPPS – Really, being an arsehole is actually not that bad.

PPPPPS – I wish I had a cat to kick.

PPPPPPS – Oh and my stupid motherfucking eye stopped leaking as soon as I got home. And I had mascara on my chin. AND NO FUCKER TOLD ME.

PPPPPPPS – I think I need to go and buy a cat.

PPPPPPPPS – Enjoy. (youtube clip embedded feedbiatches)

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